My Bugga, my sister, she dedicated a song to me, its titled ‘If no one will listen’ by Kelly Clarkson. Right now, it’s the most fitting song I’ve ever heard in my life.

I’m going through a difficult time; my sons father & I have separated, I moved into my parents basement and I have shared custody of my son. We are on an every other week schedule with him, and for the first time in his life, I am without him for longer than one 24 hour period. He is handling it very well. I am not. Some ways I’ve been quiet, letting tears to fall from time to time, not expressing too much, but not leaving everything bottled up.
I’m trying my best to get through this what I consider to be the way to build up my strength. Head on, the only distractions are those I create for myself, like getting things unpacked, setting up the bedrooms, etc. I’m not letting others be my only distractions right now, I don’t want to rely on those people to get me through every single week I am alone. This is how I work, if I don’t get through this now, alone, I will never be able to handle my weeks without him. It’s how I roll, lol. I know how I can make these days easier. I just gotta keep pushing forward.

Now, back to the reasoning for this song being the sound track to my life. I’m getting encouragement to be strong, and that if I need to talk at all, I’ve got a list of people to turn to. Well, the list is dwindling. It seems when I open my mouth, and I finally let myself express to the best of my ability what I am feeling, the doors get shut, and I feel as if every tear that is shed is nothing but pure weakness. I feel as if I am trapped in myself, and at that moment, I want my words to be heard, not distracted from, I want my tears to flow, not stopped, I want to feel like what I am saying has value and that my tears are my hearts way of strengthening. Not be cut off, not be told that I need to stop crying, or that I need to move on from this; what is happening right now, and if I hear one more sexual reference in regards to my frustration, someone will lose their balls. Sex is not the answer to my problems, hell if you want to look at this in the most blunt way possible, sex is the cause of my problems. Sex created the most beautiful child in the world, whom I love with every cell of my being. Sex created the life that I miss so much, that I feel so hollow, so lost, so alone. So sex is not the answer to my problems, It is my problem.

The words are comforting and encouraging, but there are very few people that are holding true to their word. I’m glad to know that my Bugga is there, no matter how many times I call with the same problem, she will listen to every word, no matter how many times I cry, I will not drown, she has the plug in her hands. No matter what, she is there, she sees me for who I am.

Life is about choices, how you handle them, how to make them, and how will the outcome will affect you. It’s time for me to put a little more focus into working on myself. Instead of holding out that someone will save me.